Summer 2014

So much has changed since I last wrote.  I have thought about writing down my feelings so many times in the last few months because I was so stressed, angry, sad, and unstable.  I always wrote when I was unhappy.  It was a way for me to reflect, to relax, to separate myself from all the pain. But for some reason, I haven't been able to write it down.  I'm not sure if it's because of how dark everything has been or because maybe deep down I knew that everything will pass and I don't even want to record the darkness and remember it later on.
Whatever it was, here I am.  Past it all and for the first time in the past year, I think I'm truly happy.  I have hope and I want to LIVE!  And I never thought I would say this but I really have my parents to thank for this.  They proved me wrong when I needed them the most!

Alright so enough recap.  The reason I'm writing this post is because I'm so damn excited about this Summer!  I'm moving out! I'm finally getting the freedom I've always craved and needed.  And to celebrate this long battle with my parents and myself, I made a list!  A list of 100 things I want to do this summer!  To all those who are reading this, let me know if you want to complete any of these challenges with me!

100 Things for Summer

1. Take a spontaneous day trip
2. Go star/cloud watching
3. Camping
4. Attend a sports game
5. Go to the zoo
6. Make popsicles
7. Build a Sandcastle
8. BBQ
9. Ride a ferris wheel
10. See fireworks
11. Bike Riding
12. Go to a concert
13. See a lighthouse
14. Lie in the grass
15. See an outdoor movie
16. Go to an amusement park/ water park
17. Run through a sprinkler
18. Run 5K
19. Explore a new part of NYC
20. Karaoke
21. Go to a carnival
22. Go on an EPIC date
23. Stick Body out of a Sun roof
24. See the sunrise/sunset
25. Read more books
26. Trapeze 
27. Take a hike/ climb a mountain
28. Dance in the rain
29. Go skinny dipping
30. Street Fair
31. Bake a cake
32. Smorgasburg
33. Take dance classes
34. Learn to surf
35. Rock climbing
36. Try kick-boxing
37. Paintball
38. Gun Range
39. Host a sleepover
40. Go to a petting zoo
41. No electronics day
42. Blow bubbles
43. Visit a farm
44. Car wash
45. Boating in Central Park
46. Fly a kite
47. Watch a movie with my family
48. Berry Picking
49. Make Jam
50. Campfire
51. Make a time capsule
52. Make a shadow box
53. Eat a hot dog at a sports game
54. Volunteer
55. Tie-dye shirt/something
56. Flea Market
57. Vineyard
58. Movie Marathon
59. Sketch a completed drawing
60. Get buried in the sand
61. Male a summer mix tape/CD
62. Climb a tree
63. Spa Castle
64. Light sparklers
65. Go to Cherry Springs State Park to see the Milkyway!
66. Learn some survival skills
67. Go to comedy/improv show
68. Go to Corona Ice King
69. Finish a puzzle
70. Slip 'n' Slide
71. Take Michael to get a manicure
72. Pull a prank on someone
73. Journal at least 1x per week
74. Go to a Rave
75. Bumper Car
76. Go to fortune/ palm reader
77. Get a tattoo
78. Go to Montauk w/ Michael
79. Go vegetarian for a week
80. Have a great Birthday
81. Plan a surprise party
82. Drink a bottle of wine
83. Take an EPIC profile picture
84. Hit it off with someone on the train
85. Don't watch TV for a day
86. Learn the history of something trivial 
87. Take a train from start to end
88. Convince someone to try something crazy
89. Don't curse for a week
90. Go swim somewhere with a waterfall
91. Watch a movie alone
92. Go to a bar/restaurant alone
93. Go to a nude beach
94. Go ziplining
95. Make pickles or kimchi
96. Go to a bathhouse (preferable Turkish)
97. See a Broadway show
98. Learn yoga/meditation
99. Learn to pick locks
100. Record all of these experiences!

"Sick"

At my work, we use the word "sick" to describe our clients.  But honestly, despite having to use it with coworkers, I don't like it! I'm cautious and I try really hard not to use it because I think with regards to mental health, "sick" as a label really just means "feel free to ignore their realities and almost everything they say to you."
When you're calling someone "sick," you're in a position of power and authority and you're "othering" people.  Yes, some people have very severe mental disorders that lead them to hear thoughts, hallucinate, and have delusions, but it doesn't mean that our reality is superior to their's that we can just disregard their every testimony.  We are so quick to label people "abnormal" that we have made ourselves lazy.  We have become too lazy to attempt to listen to people with mental disorders and try to understand their reality.  We have made our experiences the baseline for everyone and everything and fail to acknowledge the fact that everyone's reality is different.  Why is it that we expect everyone to understand and experience the same things?  And when people don't, then the solution is to pump them with drugs and try to make them more like us.
 BUT, then what?  When the drugs are changing people to make their realities more like the average, are they all the sudden normal again?  Let's be honest, the answer is NO.  Even with drugs, people with mental disorders are still marginalized and discriminated against because they are "sick" and what they say can never be trusted.  We scrutinize every little detail of their behavior and if once they raise their voice a little or swing their arms around, then they are "unstable", "sick", and "crazy."  Maybe their emotional response is more sensitive than the average people, but it doesn't mean the emotions and what triggered their response isn't real or even justified.  So, before we call someone "sick" the next time someone is "acting crazy" (whatever that may be to you), maybe we should just listen and try to understand from their perspective.

Found this really interesting article: http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2014/01/racist-ableist-use-term-psychopath/#.Uuf8dMyLQIk.facebook

I'm not going to lie but I'm terrified of 2014.  I wake up this morning feeling relaxed, but almost without missing a beat, a wave of fear, panic, and anxiety washed over me.

Not to start my year mopping, but I've been terrified of 2013 ending because 2013 really was more than any other year.  It was the year that I saw new places and met new people.  It was the year that I partied my hearts out with my very best friends and slept with my make-up on too many times.  It was the year I wrote a 20 pages paper that almost destroyed my self-esteem and made me realize how much I am not sure about what I want to do and where I want to go.  It was the year I pulled too many all nighters, ate too much McDonalds, drank too much, and smoked too much hookah.  It was the year that I graduated, had to say good-bye to my small nook of freedom, and live with my parents full-time.  It was the year that I realized I wanted to be a social worker and focus in policy because that's who I am.  It was the year that I spent the last day of the year with the love of my life.

In this one year, I went through sooooooo many ups and downs and made so many decisions that I am now scared to face them 2014.  Without the safety of school, that guarantees new and probably great experiences, I'm left with only myself and my decisions.  I'm left with no one to blame.

But I guess 2014 is really just an other year. So Happy New Year and hope there are many more amazing memories to come.