Summer 2014

So much has changed since I last wrote.  I have thought about writing down my feelings so many times in the last few months because I was so stressed, angry, sad, and unstable.  I always wrote when I was unhappy.  It was a way for me to reflect, to relax, to separate myself from all the pain. But for some reason, I haven't been able to write it down.  I'm not sure if it's because of how dark everything has been or because maybe deep down I knew that everything will pass and I don't even want to record the darkness and remember it later on.
Whatever it was, here I am.  Past it all and for the first time in the past year, I think I'm truly happy.  I have hope and I want to LIVE!  And I never thought I would say this but I really have my parents to thank for this.  They proved me wrong when I needed them the most!

Alright so enough recap.  The reason I'm writing this post is because I'm so damn excited about this Summer!  I'm moving out! I'm finally getting the freedom I've always craved and needed.  And to celebrate this long battle with my parents and myself, I made a list!  A list of 100 things I want to do this summer!  To all those who are reading this, let me know if you want to complete any of these challenges with me!

100 Things for Summer

1. Take a spontaneous day trip
2. Go star/cloud watching
3. Camping
4. Attend a sports game
5. Go to the zoo
6. Make popsicles
7. Build a Sandcastle
8. BBQ
9. Ride a ferris wheel
10. See fireworks
11. Bike Riding
12. Go to a concert
13. See a lighthouse
14. Lie in the grass
15. See an outdoor movie
16. Go to an amusement park/ water park
17. Run through a sprinkler
18. Run 5K
19. Explore a new part of NYC
20. Karaoke
21. Go to a carnival
22. Go on an EPIC date
23. Stick Body out of a Sun roof
24. See the sunrise/sunset
25. Read more books
26. Trapeze 
27. Take a hike/ climb a mountain
28. Dance in the rain
29. Go skinny dipping
30. Street Fair
31. Bake a cake
32. Smorgasburg
33. Take dance classes
34. Learn to surf
35. Rock climbing
36. Try kick-boxing
37. Paintball
38. Gun Range
39. Host a sleepover
40. Go to a petting zoo
41. No electronics day
42. Blow bubbles
43. Visit a farm
44. Car wash
45. Boating in Central Park
46. Fly a kite
47. Watch a movie with my family
48. Berry Picking
49. Make Jam
50. Campfire
51. Make a time capsule
52. Make a shadow box
53. Eat a hot dog at a sports game
54. Volunteer
55. Tie-dye shirt/something
56. Flea Market
57. Vineyard
58. Movie Marathon
59. Sketch a completed drawing
60. Get buried in the sand
61. Male a summer mix tape/CD
62. Climb a tree
63. Spa Castle
64. Light sparklers
65. Go to Cherry Springs State Park to see the Milkyway!
66. Learn some survival skills
67. Go to comedy/improv show
68. Go to Corona Ice King
69. Finish a puzzle
70. Slip 'n' Slide
71. Take Michael to get a manicure
72. Pull a prank on someone
73. Journal at least 1x per week
74. Go to a Rave
75. Bumper Car
76. Go to fortune/ palm reader
77. Get a tattoo
78. Go to Montauk w/ Michael
79. Go vegetarian for a week
80. Have a great Birthday
81. Plan a surprise party
82. Drink a bottle of wine
83. Take an EPIC profile picture
84. Hit it off with someone on the train
85. Don't watch TV for a day
86. Learn the history of something trivial 
87. Take a train from start to end
88. Convince someone to try something crazy
89. Don't curse for a week
90. Go swim somewhere with a waterfall
91. Watch a movie alone
92. Go to a bar/restaurant alone
93. Go to a nude beach
94. Go ziplining
95. Make pickles or kimchi
96. Go to a bathhouse (preferable Turkish)
97. See a Broadway show
98. Learn yoga/meditation
99. Learn to pick locks
100. Record all of these experiences!

"Sick"

At my work, we use the word "sick" to describe our clients.  But honestly, despite having to use it with coworkers, I don't like it! I'm cautious and I try really hard not to use it because I think with regards to mental health, "sick" as a label really just means "feel free to ignore their realities and almost everything they say to you."
When you're calling someone "sick," you're in a position of power and authority and you're "othering" people.  Yes, some people have very severe mental disorders that lead them to hear thoughts, hallucinate, and have delusions, but it doesn't mean that our reality is superior to their's that we can just disregard their every testimony.  We are so quick to label people "abnormal" that we have made ourselves lazy.  We have become too lazy to attempt to listen to people with mental disorders and try to understand their reality.  We have made our experiences the baseline for everyone and everything and fail to acknowledge the fact that everyone's reality is different.  Why is it that we expect everyone to understand and experience the same things?  And when people don't, then the solution is to pump them with drugs and try to make them more like us.
 BUT, then what?  When the drugs are changing people to make their realities more like the average, are they all the sudden normal again?  Let's be honest, the answer is NO.  Even with drugs, people with mental disorders are still marginalized and discriminated against because they are "sick" and what they say can never be trusted.  We scrutinize every little detail of their behavior and if once they raise their voice a little or swing their arms around, then they are "unstable", "sick", and "crazy."  Maybe their emotional response is more sensitive than the average people, but it doesn't mean the emotions and what triggered their response isn't real or even justified.  So, before we call someone "sick" the next time someone is "acting crazy" (whatever that may be to you), maybe we should just listen and try to understand from their perspective.

Found this really interesting article: http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2014/01/racist-ableist-use-term-psychopath/#.Uuf8dMyLQIk.facebook

I'm not going to lie but I'm terrified of 2014.  I wake up this morning feeling relaxed, but almost without missing a beat, a wave of fear, panic, and anxiety washed over me.

Not to start my year mopping, but I've been terrified of 2013 ending because 2013 really was more than any other year.  It was the year that I saw new places and met new people.  It was the year that I partied my hearts out with my very best friends and slept with my make-up on too many times.  It was the year I wrote a 20 pages paper that almost destroyed my self-esteem and made me realize how much I am not sure about what I want to do and where I want to go.  It was the year I pulled too many all nighters, ate too much McDonalds, drank too much, and smoked too much hookah.  It was the year that I graduated, had to say good-bye to my small nook of freedom, and live with my parents full-time.  It was the year that I realized I wanted to be a social worker and focus in policy because that's who I am.  It was the year that I spent the last day of the year with the love of my life.

In this one year, I went through sooooooo many ups and downs and made so many decisions that I am now scared to face them 2014.  Without the safety of school, that guarantees new and probably great experiences, I'm left with only myself and my decisions.  I'm left with no one to blame.

But I guess 2014 is really just an other year. So Happy New Year and hope there are many more amazing memories to come.

Jaded with Time

The other day at work, one of our clients called the police for a really minor and non police related matter.  The police arrived promptly, spoke to our client, and calmly explained for our client that she should not call the police for issues she described.  With my little experience interacting with the police, I thought their calm response was very appropriate and standard.  However, my coworkers were very surprised and amazed by their calmness.  According to my coworkers, many cops have been rude, angry, and inappropriate towards clients and staff when they were called for minor altercations in the past.  My supervisor then added that cops that have worked longer are often nastier and much less tolerant towards the shelter because they don't want to help homeless people.

My supervisor's comments made me think about administrators I have met in the non-profit realm and I realized that admins that have been working longer are more jaded and are quick to make (wrong) assumptions about clients and homeless people.  That also made me think about how studies have said that people become more conservative with age.  Also, how some/most parents have a hard time relating and understanding their teenage children, despite once being teenagers themselves.  (Sorry about the random thought process... how i roll)

What is it that changes our view point as we get older.  How do we change from strong minded and progressive people (those who are) once to being jaded and more conservative.  Do we just get tired of the world because we see how little things actually change or work in our favor?  But more importantly, how do we forget how strongly we felt once and the very real reasons that formed our opinions and values in the first place?  How do we start blaming people for their homelessness when we knew once that homelessness is much more complicated than "bad luck" or "ones lack of responsibility."  How do parents find their teenager's behavior puzzling when they once snuck out or did something rebellious?

I guess realizing that this process exists, makes me nervous.  It makes me question my willpower.  Will I lose faith in my beliefs and my ideals because things might not change fast enough to verify my work?  Will I just start pushing papers around for a big paycheck and make fast judgement and assumptions about the very marginalized people I vow to help now?  Will I forbid my daughter to wear short skirts because I fear she might get raped?  I don't know! I want to say NO, I definitely will not! But can I beat the statistic?  I guess, my friends, if you start to notice that I'm getting jaded or too conservative, please stop me and let me know!

My anus, your anus, everybody's anus

I read this awesome article a few days ago about normalizing rimming for men.  For those who don't know what rimming is: it's when someone licks their sex's partner's anus.  To summarize the article (although you should definitely just read it!): reports have shown that increasingly, straight men are enjoying and want rim jobs!  However, there is still a big stigma surrounding men's anuses that deter men from asking their female partners.  Basically, men's anuses are considered "sacred" because men who allow anyone near their anus are considered "gay" (which is not true. Sorry they want to have great sex and they are not afraid to try new things?)
There really isn't much for me to add on rimming because the article pretty much says it all.  But in addition to rimming, I also want to add pegging to the list of "no no's" around men's anus that should be considered!  For a while now, straight men have been asking to fuck their girlfriend's ass.  But straight men who want to be pegged still have a hard time asking for it because being penetrated has been deemed the most feminized sexual act, only women and gay men like to be penetrated (No sir! that is not true!).  But let's think about it in a very physical sense (not social)!  Oral sex was once considered a gay act and heterosexual couples were only encouraged to have missionary sex. How boring was that?  And now, we know the wonders of oral sex and all types of different positions! How is a man's anus any different?  It's just an other body part we can explore with our mouths, fingers, dildo... so why not? Give it a try! Plus, with enough lube and communication, it's probably going to be amazing for the man because he has a prostate!

My privileges

I just completed my first week at my new job as a case manager in a women's mental health homeless shelter.  I have to say... I'm so damn tired everyday but I really like it. I never count the seconds till work is over and I'm really enjoying myself. Of course, nothing have really happened during my shifts (aka no police were called or fights have occurred) and it has only been a week, so maybe I'll get burnt out, maybe I'll hate it, maybe I'll get bored, maybe I'll love it forever, who knows. But one thing for sure is that I have learned how fucking privileged my whole life has been and god damn, I am grateful. For a long time, I've know that I have led an extremely privileged life, but seeing the ladies at the shelter... I am soooooooooooo god damn grateful for everything I have and don't have!!! Because although I love my job, at the end of the day, I get to walk away from all the drama and go back to my comfortable life.

So here is my list of privileges and things I'm grateful for:

1. A home and my family! My parents are evil sometimes but I know I should be more grateful for them. For providing a great home, for feeding me great food and for taking such good care of me! Thanks mom and dad, nancy, and relatives!!

2. Education! I've graduated, I'm probably going back to school next fall. I've always been a good student, my parents have done everything in their power to make sure of that. I've gotten a lot of support over the years from counselors, advisors, teachers/ professors, peers,etc. I'm also very grateful for MHC (but y'all definitely have a lot of issue!!) for all the opportunities and support. And because of my education, I know I'll find a job I like.

3. My race. Gotta say, being Chinese really got me a lot of shit and gave me some opportunities too!

4. Not having any major health issues! Cuz god knows there ISN'T much

support out there :(

5. My boyfriend and my friends (Sorry, you're 5th. This list isn't really ranked) I know you'll be there for me and I'm very grateful for all the support you've given me already!

6. Not being in debt. Let's me real, money sucks and owing money sucks the worst

7. This is a privilege that I've noticed in the past few days that intersects with above stuff: trust in authorities.  Police and other authorities are not amazing (by not amazing, I mean crap) when it comes to dealing with homeless people, POC, mentally ill people, non documented people, etc. I'm privilege because I know they will respond to me.  They will listen to my side of the story and I can probably trust them to help me when I need it.  Because I'm Chinese, non homeless, healthy, dressed well, and speak English.

There are def more but that is it for now. I wrote this list because I want to see (in writing) how lucky I've been and how my luck also means that so many other people, who don't have my privileges, are suffering!  I want to changed that! And that's one of the reason I went into Social Work. I don't want people that weren't born with certain things or have lost these supports to be left on their own. Because I certainly didn't "make it on my own" so why should they?

Grass is Greener

Yesterday, I was really angry and hurt because my mom invited one of my sister's friend over for dinner.  In the past four years, never have my mom shown interest in really meeting my friends.  Yes, she asks about them when I mention I'm seeing them, but she has never asked me to invite them over for dinner!  She has also met both my sister's boyfriends and have made requests to meet them, but not mine (probably because she never approves)!
To be completely honest and fair, my mom and I don't have the same kind of relationship she has with my sister.  Since high school, I've noticed that my mom and I have very different values.  We disagree on a lot of fundamental issues and it was really hard for us (especially since it was also my rebellious phase).  I wanted to so bad to be my own person and she wanted me so bad to be her perfect child (did well in school, made Chinese friends, date Chinese boys, major in Accountant... and those who know me know I'm none of those!).  Luckily (I thank God almost everyday for this), I was able to dorm in college.  I quickly learned that I can do anything I wanted as long as I turned myself off during the weekends when I went home.
Eventually, living a double life really comes back to bite you when you realize you can no longer be honest with your mother without telling her the 500million things she forbids you to do.  I developed an instinct to LIE about EVERYTHING!  because let's be honest, lying is safe!  Lying assures me that she's not going to start yelling at me for the next 3 hours or give me the silent treatment for a week.  Our relationship changed and I was okay with it because it was easier this way.
Well... I was okay with it until last night.  Knowing that my mom doesn't want to meet my friends, doesn't tell me her trip plans, and doesn't care that I don't tell her stuff, kinda of sucks.  I use to think that I didn't want what my sister and mom have and logically the alternative is the push my mom away.  But I do want my mom to accept who I am and like my friends and be actually interested in my life.  I want all of that!  Seeing that my sister has what I don't have and probably never will have hurt me a lot more than I ever thought.  Maybe grass is always greener on the other side...