My anus, your anus, everybody's anus

I read this awesome article a few days ago about normalizing rimming for men.  For those who don't know what rimming is: it's when someone licks their sex's partner's anus.  To summarize the article (although you should definitely just read it!): reports have shown that increasingly, straight men are enjoying and want rim jobs!  However, there is still a big stigma surrounding men's anuses that deter men from asking their female partners.  Basically, men's anuses are considered "sacred" because men who allow anyone near their anus are considered "gay" (which is not true. Sorry they want to have great sex and they are not afraid to try new things?)
There really isn't much for me to add on rimming because the article pretty much says it all.  But in addition to rimming, I also want to add pegging to the list of "no no's" around men's anus that should be considered!  For a while now, straight men have been asking to fuck their girlfriend's ass.  But straight men who want to be pegged still have a hard time asking for it because being penetrated has been deemed the most feminized sexual act, only women and gay men like to be penetrated (No sir! that is not true!).  But let's think about it in a very physical sense (not social)!  Oral sex was once considered a gay act and heterosexual couples were only encouraged to have missionary sex. How boring was that?  And now, we know the wonders of oral sex and all types of different positions! How is a man's anus any different?  It's just an other body part we can explore with our mouths, fingers, dildo... so why not? Give it a try! Plus, with enough lube and communication, it's probably going to be amazing for the man because he has a prostate!

My privileges

I just completed my first week at my new job as a case manager in a women's mental health homeless shelter.  I have to say... I'm so damn tired everyday but I really like it. I never count the seconds till work is over and I'm really enjoying myself. Of course, nothing have really happened during my shifts (aka no police were called or fights have occurred) and it has only been a week, so maybe I'll get burnt out, maybe I'll hate it, maybe I'll get bored, maybe I'll love it forever, who knows. But one thing for sure is that I have learned how fucking privileged my whole life has been and god damn, I am grateful. For a long time, I've know that I have led an extremely privileged life, but seeing the ladies at the shelter... I am soooooooooooo god damn grateful for everything I have and don't have!!! Because although I love my job, at the end of the day, I get to walk away from all the drama and go back to my comfortable life.

So here is my list of privileges and things I'm grateful for:

1. A home and my family! My parents are evil sometimes but I know I should be more grateful for them. For providing a great home, for feeding me great food and for taking such good care of me! Thanks mom and dad, nancy, and relatives!!

2. Education! I've graduated, I'm probably going back to school next fall. I've always been a good student, my parents have done everything in their power to make sure of that. I've gotten a lot of support over the years from counselors, advisors, teachers/ professors, peers,etc. I'm also very grateful for MHC (but y'all definitely have a lot of issue!!) for all the opportunities and support. And because of my education, I know I'll find a job I like.

3. My race. Gotta say, being Chinese really got me a lot of shit and gave me some opportunities too!

4. Not having any major health issues! Cuz god knows there ISN'T much

support out there :(

5. My boyfriend and my friends (Sorry, you're 5th. This list isn't really ranked) I know you'll be there for me and I'm very grateful for all the support you've given me already!

6. Not being in debt. Let's me real, money sucks and owing money sucks the worst

7. This is a privilege that I've noticed in the past few days that intersects with above stuff: trust in authorities.  Police and other authorities are not amazing (by not amazing, I mean crap) when it comes to dealing with homeless people, POC, mentally ill people, non documented people, etc. I'm privilege because I know they will respond to me.  They will listen to my side of the story and I can probably trust them to help me when I need it.  Because I'm Chinese, non homeless, healthy, dressed well, and speak English.

There are def more but that is it for now. I wrote this list because I want to see (in writing) how lucky I've been and how my luck also means that so many other people, who don't have my privileges, are suffering!  I want to changed that! And that's one of the reason I went into Social Work. I don't want people that weren't born with certain things or have lost these supports to be left on their own. Because I certainly didn't "make it on my own" so why should they?

Grass is Greener

Yesterday, I was really angry and hurt because my mom invited one of my sister's friend over for dinner.  In the past four years, never have my mom shown interest in really meeting my friends.  Yes, she asks about them when I mention I'm seeing them, but she has never asked me to invite them over for dinner!  She has also met both my sister's boyfriends and have made requests to meet them, but not mine (probably because she never approves)!
To be completely honest and fair, my mom and I don't have the same kind of relationship she has with my sister.  Since high school, I've noticed that my mom and I have very different values.  We disagree on a lot of fundamental issues and it was really hard for us (especially since it was also my rebellious phase).  I wanted to so bad to be my own person and she wanted me so bad to be her perfect child (did well in school, made Chinese friends, date Chinese boys, major in Accountant... and those who know me know I'm none of those!).  Luckily (I thank God almost everyday for this), I was able to dorm in college.  I quickly learned that I can do anything I wanted as long as I turned myself off during the weekends when I went home.
Eventually, living a double life really comes back to bite you when you realize you can no longer be honest with your mother without telling her the 500million things she forbids you to do.  I developed an instinct to LIE about EVERYTHING!  because let's be honest, lying is safe!  Lying assures me that she's not going to start yelling at me for the next 3 hours or give me the silent treatment for a week.  Our relationship changed and I was okay with it because it was easier this way.
Well... I was okay with it until last night.  Knowing that my mom doesn't want to meet my friends, doesn't tell me her trip plans, and doesn't care that I don't tell her stuff, kinda of sucks.  I use to think that I didn't want what my sister and mom have and logically the alternative is the push my mom away.  But I do want my mom to accept who I am and like my friends and be actually interested in my life.  I want all of that!  Seeing that my sister has what I don't have and probably never will have hurt me a lot more than I ever thought.  Maybe grass is always greener on the other side...

The Big V

Virginity (for women)!
Today my friends and I talked about the meaning of virginity and whether it really means anything at all.  We agreed that it does mean something (unfortunately), at least for now!  Coincidentally, I am reading a book and watching a show that addressed women losing her virginity in her late 20s- early 30s.
The book, "Like a Charm" by Candace Havens, isn't just about Kira's journey to lose her virginity, but there were 2 chapters dedicated to her experience.  Turns out Kira is a driven and competitive corporate lawyer that just didn't have the opportunity to lose her virginity.  In the book, she meets a sexy man, Caleb, who smells like "pine mixed with man"(p.29) [i'm not a fan of pine, or "man" scent for that matter, so I just imagined that he smelled like after-shave].  When they were about to have sex for the first time, she tells him she's a virgin and he was surprised but takes it pretty well.  He wanted to take it slow and "make it special" for her.  BUT Kira tells him she doesn't want to wait or make it special, she wants to have sex with him... NOW (LOVED LOVED LOVED that!).  So... that's how Kira loses her virginity.
The show, Rebel Wilson's Super Fun Night, was a little different.  Kimmie decides that she needs to be more proactive about dating.  She goes to a bar (at a hotel) and tries to pick-up a young, "hot" guy but is rejected. BUT a diff. guy down the bar offers to buy her a drink and awk but interesting convo flows.  He then invites her up to his hotel room (he leaves for Zimbabwe the next day).  She agrees and meets him.  He orders champagne and fries for her and starts to strip to some sexy music.  Kimmie freaks out and locks herself in the bathroom for a while.  Eventually she comes out and they get in bed.  The guy tells her that he likes that she "owns her sexuality" and she breaks it to him that she's a virgin.  The guy is very surprised and asks, "don't you want your first time to be special?" and she replies "it is special.  you ordered fries." (I honestly LOVED that!)  They eventually agree to wait a year when he comes back from Zimbabwe to go on a decent date before sex.  That's how Kimmie almost loses her virginity.

First, these two examples tell me that there is a very clear narrative and ideal that when a woman loses her virginity... it needs to be special.  Let's be real, how many people actually lose their virginity on the beach (don't do it on a beach, sand in your vagina or penis is NOT pretty), under the stars, and falls asleep snuggling with your partner?  I didn't and I don't care!  Losing my virginity was painful and I'm glad I never have to do it again (at no fault was it my boyfriend's).  Now sex is amazing and THAT is what I care about.  I really appreciated when Kira told Caleb that she doesn't want to wait, she just wanted to get it over with.  She knew what she wanted and went for it.  There is nothing wrong with that!  There is nothing wrong with wanting it to be special either. BUT we do need to stop telling everyone that the only way to "properly" lose your virginity is to be in a princess fairytale!  Also, when Kimmie said that ordering french fries made the experience special for her, I was really really happy and loled so hard.  I'm sure the writers wanted to make her seem sad that she can't dream bigger, BUT what's special to everyone is different!  Please don't judge people who can't or don't want to lose their virginity like Judy Bloom writes it.  Please don't judge people who don't want it to be "special."  It's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS if people lost their virginity in a special way or not!

Second, age we lose our virginity.  For a long time, it was looked down upon for woman in America to lose her virginity before marriage (people also got married younger so less waiting!).  Now, although it is still true for some, many people also except and expect premarital sex.  But when did it become strange for women to be 20-30, or whatever year old virgins?  If she hasn't lost her virginity in high school or college, then she's either a prude or she's a delicate flower.  There are millions of reason for women to stay virgins or to have sex and it's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS!

Basically, this ENTIRE post is an attempt to put a stop into our society's obsessive concern for how and when women lose their virginity!  Yes, our friends may want to hear about it (sorry if I pounded you too hard for details!) and maybe you want to talk about it.  That's fine!  Maybe you don't want to talk about it and that's fine too!  But don't EVER let anyone judge you for your choice and DON'T judge anyone for their choices!

Terrible journey of job hunting and living up to unrealistic expectations

I graduated a few months ago and have been going through the terrible journey of job hunting.  What I learned was: there are waves of hiring (so start early), people think it's okay to never contact you again even though you poured your soul into cover letters and interviews, and (what this blog post is about) you need 2-3years of experience for entry-level jobs.
Whenever I see unrealistic and insane requirements of x YEARS of experience for ENTRY-LEVEL jobs, my blood would boil.  To be perfectly frank, I have been working since it was legal for me to do so.  I have a lot of experiences in different kinds of work and I have strong connections with my previous supervisors and in the non-profit field.  I was able to say I had the years of experience required for jobs I wanted because I had the privilege to take non- to low-paying internships for the sake of building my resume!  I was luckily and privileged, and it still took me over 40 applications and too many interviews to get a job.
I know many friends who took low paying stipend jobs and joined Americorp even after college to build their resumes.  They are over worked and underpaid just so they can qualify for jobs in the future relevant to their line of work.  But not everyone can afford such luxury to get paid nothing for a full year or two for some leadership experience (although I think there is nothing luxurious at all about taking an under minimum wage job just for some "experience").
What about people who are not as privileged as my friends and I? People who need to support themselves and work full-time sales jobs to pay their rent? People who have children at home to take care of and can't afford to take non-paying internships?  Isn't an entry-level job, just that? An entry level job? How is it that even after graduating college, after 4 years of hard work (usually with tears and sweat), we are still not qualified for entry-level positions?  You're saying that I can't get this job because I don't have enough experience, the experience I'll get if I get this job.... WHAT????
I understand that companies don't want to train their employees from scratch every time they need to hire.  If experience is required, then colleges, maybe instead of making us take 2 science classes with lab (if you're a humanities major, you should def take science classes with lab if you're a pre-med or something), schools can offer us internships and actually help us secure them!

Self-hate and Self-awareness

This is my journey in acknowledging my self-hate:
I'm Chinese-American and I was raised in NYC.  Before I started school, I was raised to be Chinese at home.  We spoke Chinese, watched Chinese TV channels, and ate Chinese food.  Although I didn't know what identity was then, I was Chinese.  Period.  Things got complicated when I started Kindergarten.  I was placed in ESL classes, which separated me from most children, and I learned that I was different.  I was no longer just a kid, I was the little Chinese girl in a predominately White school.  Eventually I moved to a more diverse school, but I continued to have a hard time fitting in.
When I got to middle school things got much better.  (I should also add that I was tracked into a Honors Program in my Middle school, which had a lot of People of Color)  I made friends with 4 Chinese girls.  Something clicked and I felt connected. When I went to high school, Brooklyn Technical HS (also honors, also many POC, and had many many Asians), I had one best friend (Chinese-American girl).  She and I jumped from group to group and made different friends.  When she and I stopped being friends, something changed.  I didn't want to just be Chinese anymore.  I wanted to be Chinese-American.  Honestly, then I probably wanted to be more American.  I didn't want to be raced anymore.
When I started College, I didn't make a single Chinese friend.  Sure, I met Chinese people but never became friends with them.  I started to get appalled by everything Chinese people do and talk about.  Those who know me know how much I hated Chinese people.  But something magical also happened.  I started to also reject American culture.  At this point, I fell into limbo.  I wasn't Chinese, I wasn't American, and honestly, I couldn't connect with being Chinese-American either.
I ignored it as long as I could, but recently (with all the extra time on my hands) I wanted to address my deep-rooted self-hate.  I traced it back to the little Kindergarten girl on the bathroom line that called me out and made me feel different.  I traced it back to all the cliches in my middle-school and high-school that compelled me make more Chinese friends and be with "my kind."  But more importantly, I realized that it's really about white supremacy.  Our society values whiteness and devalues POC.  We're taught that whiteness is a blank slate.  If you're white, you have no culture, you can do anything you want, and you are you.  But if you're, lets say, Chinese, then you're cultured, you have something tying you back, you can never be just you.  I'm not just Jessie.  I'm Jessie the Chinese girl.  POC internalize these messages and not only do they value whiteness, but they also accept self-hate.  We accept that we can never be perfect no matter how hard we try because we can never be truly white.

So what do we do?  Honestly, I don't know.  But we do need to acknowledge our self-hate.  When we acknowledge it, we can start to critic our actions and try to make more conscious decisions to fight white supremacy and our self-hatred.
P.S. I never stopped loving Chinese food tho! Victory!