This is my journey in acknowledging my self-hate:
I'm Chinese-American and I was raised in NYC. Before I started school, I was raised to be Chinese at home. We spoke Chinese, watched Chinese TV channels, and ate Chinese food. Although I didn't know what identity was then, I was Chinese. Period. Things got complicated when I started Kindergarten. I was placed in ESL classes, which separated me from most children, and I learned that I was different. I was no longer just a kid, I was the little Chinese girl in a predominately White school. Eventually I moved to a more diverse school, but I continued to have a hard time fitting in.
When I got to middle school things got much better. (I should also add that I was tracked into a Honors Program in my Middle school, which had a lot of People of Color) I made friends with 4 Chinese girls. Something clicked and I felt connected. When I went to high school, Brooklyn Technical HS (also honors, also many POC, and had many many Asians), I had one best friend (Chinese-American girl). She and I jumped from group to group and made different friends. When she and I stopped being friends, something changed. I didn't want to just be Chinese anymore. I wanted to be Chinese-American. Honestly, then I probably wanted to be more American. I didn't want to be raced anymore.
When I started College, I didn't make a single Chinese friend. Sure, I met Chinese people but never became friends with them. I started to get appalled by everything Chinese people do and talk about. Those who know me know how much I hated Chinese people. But something magical also happened. I started to also reject American culture. At this point, I fell into limbo. I wasn't Chinese, I wasn't American, and honestly, I couldn't connect with being Chinese-American either.
I ignored it as long as I could, but recently (with all the extra time on my hands) I wanted to address my deep-rooted self-hate. I traced it back to the little Kindergarten girl on the bathroom line that called me out and made me feel different. I traced it back to all the cliches in my middle-school and high-school that compelled me make more Chinese friends and be with "my kind." But more importantly, I realized that it's really about white supremacy. Our society values whiteness and devalues POC. We're taught that whiteness is a blank slate. If you're white, you have no culture, you can do anything you want, and you are you. But if you're, lets say, Chinese, then you're cultured, you have something tying you back, you can never be just you. I'm not just Jessie. I'm Jessie the Chinese girl. POC internalize these messages and not only do they value whiteness, but they also accept self-hate. We accept that we can never be perfect no matter how hard we try because we can never be truly white.
So what do we do? Honestly, I don't know. But we do need to acknowledge our self-hate. When we acknowledge it, we can start to critic our actions and try to make more conscious decisions to fight white supremacy and our self-hatred.
P.S. I never stopped loving Chinese food tho! Victory!
I'm Chinese-American and I was raised in NYC. Before I started school, I was raised to be Chinese at home. We spoke Chinese, watched Chinese TV channels, and ate Chinese food. Although I didn't know what identity was then, I was Chinese. Period. Things got complicated when I started Kindergarten. I was placed in ESL classes, which separated me from most children, and I learned that I was different. I was no longer just a kid, I was the little Chinese girl in a predominately White school. Eventually I moved to a more diverse school, but I continued to have a hard time fitting in.
When I got to middle school things got much better. (I should also add that I was tracked into a Honors Program in my Middle school, which had a lot of People of Color) I made friends with 4 Chinese girls. Something clicked and I felt connected. When I went to high school, Brooklyn Technical HS (also honors, also many POC, and had many many Asians), I had one best friend (Chinese-American girl). She and I jumped from group to group and made different friends. When she and I stopped being friends, something changed. I didn't want to just be Chinese anymore. I wanted to be Chinese-American. Honestly, then I probably wanted to be more American. I didn't want to be raced anymore.
When I started College, I didn't make a single Chinese friend. Sure, I met Chinese people but never became friends with them. I started to get appalled by everything Chinese people do and talk about. Those who know me know how much I hated Chinese people. But something magical also happened. I started to also reject American culture. At this point, I fell into limbo. I wasn't Chinese, I wasn't American, and honestly, I couldn't connect with being Chinese-American either.
I ignored it as long as I could, but recently (with all the extra time on my hands) I wanted to address my deep-rooted self-hate. I traced it back to the little Kindergarten girl on the bathroom line that called me out and made me feel different. I traced it back to all the cliches in my middle-school and high-school that compelled me make more Chinese friends and be with "my kind." But more importantly, I realized that it's really about white supremacy. Our society values whiteness and devalues POC. We're taught that whiteness is a blank slate. If you're white, you have no culture, you can do anything you want, and you are you. But if you're, lets say, Chinese, then you're cultured, you have something tying you back, you can never be just you. I'm not just Jessie. I'm Jessie the Chinese girl. POC internalize these messages and not only do they value whiteness, but they also accept self-hate. We accept that we can never be perfect no matter how hard we try because we can never be truly white.
So what do we do? Honestly, I don't know. But we do need to acknowledge our self-hate. When we acknowledge it, we can start to critic our actions and try to make more conscious decisions to fight white supremacy and our self-hatred.
P.S. I never stopped loving Chinese food tho! Victory!
1 comment:
WORD to this whole post. i think we have somewhat parallel experiences in this respect (maybe why we're friends ^_^). but amen to figuring this shit out. self-hate is exhausting and destructive
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