Yesterday, I was really angry and hurt because my mom invited one of my sister's friend over for dinner. In the past four years, never have my mom shown interest in really meeting my friends. Yes, she asks about them when I mention I'm seeing them, but she has never asked me to invite them over for dinner! She has also met both my sister's boyfriends and have made requests to meet them, but not mine (probably because she never approves)!
To be completely honest and fair, my mom and I don't have the same kind of relationship she has with my sister. Since high school, I've noticed that my mom and I have very different values. We disagree on a lot of fundamental issues and it was really hard for us (especially since it was also my rebellious phase). I wanted to so bad to be my own person and she wanted me so bad to be her perfect child (did well in school, made Chinese friends, date Chinese boys, major in Accountant... and those who know me know I'm none of those!). Luckily (I thank God almost everyday for this), I was able to dorm in college. I quickly learned that I can do anything I wanted as long as I turned myself off during the weekends when I went home.
Eventually, living a double life really comes back to bite you when you realize you can no longer be honest with your mother without telling her the 500million things she forbids you to do. I developed an instinct to LIE about EVERYTHING! because let's be honest, lying is safe! Lying assures me that she's not going to start yelling at me for the next 3 hours or give me the silent treatment for a week. Our relationship changed and I was okay with it because it was easier this way.
Well... I was okay with it until last night. Knowing that my mom doesn't want to meet my friends, doesn't tell me her trip plans, and doesn't care that I don't tell her stuff, kinda of sucks. I use to think that I didn't want what my sister and mom have and logically the alternative is the push my mom away. But I do want my mom to accept who I am and like my friends and be actually interested in my life. I want all of that! Seeing that my sister has what I don't have and probably never will have hurt me a lot more than I ever thought. Maybe grass is always greener on the other side...
To be completely honest and fair, my mom and I don't have the same kind of relationship she has with my sister. Since high school, I've noticed that my mom and I have very different values. We disagree on a lot of fundamental issues and it was really hard for us (especially since it was also my rebellious phase). I wanted to so bad to be my own person and she wanted me so bad to be her perfect child (did well in school, made Chinese friends, date Chinese boys, major in Accountant... and those who know me know I'm none of those!). Luckily (I thank God almost everyday for this), I was able to dorm in college. I quickly learned that I can do anything I wanted as long as I turned myself off during the weekends when I went home.
Eventually, living a double life really comes back to bite you when you realize you can no longer be honest with your mother without telling her the 500million things she forbids you to do. I developed an instinct to LIE about EVERYTHING! because let's be honest, lying is safe! Lying assures me that she's not going to start yelling at me for the next 3 hours or give me the silent treatment for a week. Our relationship changed and I was okay with it because it was easier this way.
Well... I was okay with it until last night. Knowing that my mom doesn't want to meet my friends, doesn't tell me her trip plans, and doesn't care that I don't tell her stuff, kinda of sucks. I use to think that I didn't want what my sister and mom have and logically the alternative is the push my mom away. But I do want my mom to accept who I am and like my friends and be actually interested in my life. I want all of that! Seeing that my sister has what I don't have and probably never will have hurt me a lot more than I ever thought. Maybe grass is always greener on the other side...
2 comments:
<3 i feel you on the lying. (and yeah tingting don't want us over </3). i think i'm glad you're being honest about wanting that relationship with your mom, but i think (and you know this obviously) that it's going to be harder to pursue it in real life. also yeah, i don't think you'd be happy having exactly the relationship nancy has with your mom.... you're way different of a person for that and would wanna shoot yourself lol. but def more communication.
damn ting ting das cruel.
But I'm sorry that you're hurting! Lyring does seem like the easy way out - but I think sometimes we also lie not just to avoid confrontation but because we're still somehow trying to make sure are parents aren't disappointed in us. Because we want to have some relationship with them.
I think you its great that you're realizing that you want a closer relationship with your mom, but you should define that relationship in terms of you and your mom, not nancy and your mom.
Feel better bb :*
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